Expectations and Transparency

When I was in high school I was involved in many church related activities. I was a "Junior Leader" at youth group, I was active in Young Life, and I was a CORE Leader in FCA. Beyond that, I had a (wonderful) group of Christian friends who kept both hands and heart far away from the typical teenage temptations of sex, drugs, and alcohol. I constantly had people telling me what a great kid I was and let me tell you, I believed them. I enjoyed being seen as something I wasn't: holy. (Sure, I'm holy in God's eyes because of Jesus, but I'm talking about the rank my actions earn me)

The problem with this is that when you start to struggle with something that people would find "unexpected', you keep it to yourself. You downplay it. You convince yourself in your mind that there's a certain set of expectations people have and you don't want to break that.

I have struggled with this for a long time. God hates it and I hate it. I think I've come a long way with it, but it still gets me.

Most recently it has been my struggle with anxiety and depression. And, ironically enough, I believe it's part of the cause of my anxiety and depression. It certainly amplifies it anyway. When I get really anxious, I always feel better once I open up to someone and talk about it. In fact, I think one of the reasons that God is allowing me to have this struggle is to help me be more open and transparent with people.

So there it is, I'm just like anyone else. I struggle with this life all the time. It's REALLY hard. I know I'm not alone and I hope you know you're not alone. And most important, I hope you know this:

"And the Man of all Sorrows
He never forgot
What sorrow is carried
By the hearts that He bought
So when your questions dissolve
Into the silence of God
The aching may remain
But the breaking does not."
~Andrew Peterson (The Silence of God)